Noah: the movie… Is this Noah or not?
Noah, the movie. Have you watched it? I saw it for the first time because it popped up on Netflix. Disappointing would be an understatement of my feelings regarding this film. Warning: I’m going to discuss major spoilers because it’s necessary to the evaluation.
It seems that Hollywood took this opportunity to completely reimagine the historical story. I’m (almost) at a loss for words because this film was so bad.
It would be easier to imagine that this is not supposed to be the Biblical story but rather a straight up work of fiction. It is a poor story, over-dramatized, unbelievable, mystical, and bad character development. Here are some reasons I think this is the worst film I’ve seen in a long time:
- The fallen angels only fell to earth because they wanted to aid mankind. In punishment the Creator encrusts them in stone. What?! Yes, you heard right. Instead of going with the fact that there was war in heaven and God cast out the angels who joined with Lucifer, now the angels are the good guys who tenderly long to be re-admitted to paradise.
- Noah loves the creation and believes that God wants mankind wiped off the face of the earth. Whereas in the Biblical account God commanded them to go forth and multiply and replenish the Earth.
- There were seven who rode the ark… It was Noah, his wife, his three sons, one wife for one son, and of course (Hollywood’s favorite addition) a stowaway. It felt like an excuse to let Russell Crowe land punches in a death-match aboard the ark. Besides this, Ham actually found a girl but Noah purposefully leaves her behind to die. Oh, and he left Methuselah behind to die as well.
- Noah details for everyone aboard the ark how they are to make sure they die as the last of humanity, because the new world is not for them but for the creatures.
This is a terrible film. I was laughing at several points because it just carried everything so far overboard (pun intended). When a story is drafted from well-known source material it needs to come close to that material, otherwise it need not credit the source material. Noah has this problem to a degree I’ve not seen before.
The movie is also plumb full of plot holes. Here is a laughable example:
At the end of the film Noah is rather depressed (as he is throughout the entire film). His sons and wife have begun to build new homes for themselves. As they are building he picks grapes and makes himself wine. He gets himself drunk and naked in a cave. See the problem? They just got out of the ark and, in order to make wine, grapes have to ferment. Not gonna happen if you just crush them into a cup. That’s called grape juice and you can drink a lot of it without any problems. Trust me, I’m living proof!
My conclusion then: If you want to waste a couple of hours watching a heartless story with pointless drama that you can poke fun at, try Noah! It won’t disappoint you.
Question: Have you watched Noah?
